Patience

Why is it so hard to be patient? This I am trying to figure out I feel like I should be able to just have everything I want when I want it.. I know crazy and super selfish but I am working on this every day. Everyday all I hear from so many people is to be patient I have still been looking for a job and its not easy.. ya I could just go out and get any job however I feel like I have enough skill and experience in property management and I just need to be Patient for the right opportunity and it just hasen happened yet. We almost going on 2 months of not working and its really wearing me out I'm trying to stay positive but its so hard so TODAY I'm refocusing my attitude on YES I can do this :)!! I am going to expand my searches to just get in the door to a company even if I have to start at the bottom it will be worth it to me and the company they will see that i am a very good asset!!
When I want something I will do everything in my power to make it happen and i feel like I haven't really wanted to try so hard to actually get work again I have enjoyed being with my daughter however its time I really need the income its finally catching up to me.
I have never really been one to give up on anything I was not born that way... but patience I feel sometimes is a game in life and its a game that I have a hard time playing with I feel like it should just happen.. haha I know I know my girlfriends tell me all the time to RELAX!! I'm a go getter and I'm really trying to not give up on the things I want in life especially LOVE!!!

Well to a new day tomorrow with new goals and to try and be PATIENT like everyone says
"EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON".. IN TRYING TO KEEP THE FAITH WITH THIS <3

Everything Happens for a reason

Today has been one of those days that makes it really hard to see the glass "half full".. I am still struggling to find a job that I know will be great for me and my daughter, I attended the UAA trade show today its a very fun event that allot of vendors set up booths and try and get business I know many people in this industry so I attended with a few of my friends and it was really fun got my name out there a bit more and it was nice for everyone to see my face again.. I was a little thrown off by an ex co worker / boss who said to me, " So what brings you here today?" I was just thinking to myself.. listen B**ch try and take me out all you want however you cant break me so go kick rocks :) Some people think they are better than others however I can remember once when she was in my same position... Right when I am totally fine with one thing in my life there is always something else happening.. I was recently told that someone close to me has joined the Navy this was a complete surprise however I am very happy for him at the same time he needs to do what makes him happy and I know that I haven't always been there for him as much as he would like and I feel bad for this. He is now leaving and there is nothing I can do about it except support him and I will to the fullest. Things happen for reasons unknown sometimes I wish I could change things that have already happened but I cant I just have to go with how I feel in life and if the timing is right then it is. I have met a lot of new people this past month and have been having so much fun with great friends :) I seriously don't know what I would do without Chelsea, Taylor and Alaina they have helped me SO MUCH lately and trying to keep me positive in this job search and I just love them so much and am so happy they are apart of my life... I may just have to move home rent my condo out just to stay a float till I find something its so hard for me to see myself doing cause I have done everything on my own I had everything and now I feel like I'm slowly losing everything... but like they say everything happens for a reason and I'm going to keep reminding myself this and hopefully everything that is meant for me in my life will all happen when its suppose to be (: I'm learning to be patient

I am the Lucky One

I am truly blessed to have such a beautiful little girl, it has been such a blessing to be able to be home with her this past month and spend much needed time together. Most of you are aware that Miss Aijla is quite the talker she will have full on conversations with you in her jarggoning jumble :) its the cutest thing ever she just wants to tell you so bad what she is saying. Aijla recently had a birthday she is now ONE and I swear she thinks she is SOO big she goes up and down the couch constantly she would do it all day long if I let her, along with outside she loves to sit on the porch yell things to no one and just enjoy herself. I'm not sure if Aijla or Blaze (dog) like the dog kennel more whenever Aijla gets quite I can always find her sitting in the kennel its so funny she thinks she sneaky!! I don't think Aijla has to many bad days she is always smiling and makes sure her momma is doing the same:) every morning she makes me walk around the house to all the photos of us so she can see.. its adorable she loves looking at herself.... I could be in serious trouble !!!I cant imagine my life without her and I'm glad I never have to she has keep me smiling, being strong, happy and loving my life lately
Keeps me holding on tight telling me everything is going to be alright, we are in this together <3

Stuck together like Glue

 <3 Jenna

Little Bit Stronger!

Can I just tell how nice it feels when you finally start to put yourself first.. theres nothing more draining then trying to please people who don't appreciate you. I'm staying more positive with each new day and its made a real impact in my happiness. I have also been taking dance the past couple weeks and all I can say is how much I have missed this part of my life and i look forward to each new week. Its been really nice being able to spend more time with my daughter while I still look for a job she really is such an amazing little girl and keeps me going strong everyday.I want Aijla to live her childhood and not worry about how her mommy is doing, I wish so many nights I could take back her seeing me cry but I can promise her that its finally over its now my time to be happy for what I do currently have and not what I cant change. I am learning to live again and I really hope others finally can see it in me.I have come a long way from a  year ago and my progress hasn't been fast nor easy but I cant help how I feel no matter how other people look at it, the process has been grueling and I am finally ready to make a difference in my life :)

Jenna

I can no longer let myself feel like this

There has been A LOT that has gone on in my life this past year that many of you don't know. My daughter is almost one in a couple weeks and its been the greatest. I am truly blessed that I have her in my life. Her dad left shortly after he she was born and realized that being with me wasn't what he wanted. Its been unbelievable hard on me I feel like i haven't made much progress since then and its almost been a year.I have tried to date get my mind of things and I'm just not fully were i need to be in order to give someone my all. I'm truly sorry to those out there i really am. I think being a girl we tend to get over things different some faster than others and I'm just on the slow end. I truly loved Aijlas dad we could of had a great life together and such amazing family.... well actually I still do love him is the thing.I love him just the same even if we never had a daughter..:( I have been through so much that i wish i didn't but at the end i feel like i will come out stronger  than before. My situation has been different then most people know cause i had many reasons to think and feel like there still could be a little "hope". 
i guess all this time i was putting all my effort on this and him. i need to redirect my self and focus on me and my daughter I cant help someone not help there self. He chose to leave and i cant go everyday hoping he will realize that this family that he though he wanted is were he should be. He tells me all the time he doesn't want me out of his life, we text daily call each other daily but yet he doesn't want to be with me either, Someone told me exactly what it was and that its not that he actually misses being with me or he would be, he misses the fact of me being around not me actually...hopefully that makes since to you... I think there is more to it that i wont ever understand or know but I wish he would stop hurting me figure out what he wants and  actually go for it.
He is a great dad now and i am seriously so thankful that aijla will have him in her life she really loves being with him and i need to not let my emotions get in the way. I let him hurt me daily and he doesn't care how i feel you would think that i would want better for myself and i don't have a real response to that.. i just need time away and for me and my daughter its ok that this love didn't work out its ok to be broken it happens to everyone it gets us to were we all are today.
Someone will come into my life and never do anything to hurt me.... its going to take myself to let go and it started today...

You really don't realize what you had till its gone and its too late....

The BIG 25

WOW! I'm 25... not sure if i feel happy about this or sad that I'm getting so old and not were I want to be in life. Its OK ill take happy for now i have a beautiful daughter to have and to hold forever, great friends and amazing family :)  I had a really great day actually everyone was so kind and wished me happy birthday it feels nice to have a day about you especially now that I'm a mom i like it even better. We went to benihanas for dinner me and chels it was so much fun met a really nice couple from Tennessee and they bought our whole mean it was amazing and I will never forget about them and this day.

 after that we went to Keys on Main and it was a blast.. ha ha from what I can remember it was crazy night and i was toast by about 10:30! We got great pictures and I have to say I have the best friends ever Thanks to Chelsea for making sure my hot mess got home safe.

                                                                 Love you all



Unemployed...

well I have been really hard on myself the past few weeks not having a job.. i know right I'm surprised as much as you all. my last post was about me trying so hard at my job... and now this!! i loved my job i tried so hard the past couple months making sure my i's were dotted and my t's were crossed but it wasn't good enough for some people. i loved artspace a lot really thought after 2.5 years i was gonna be there for a long time. its over and I'm trying to make this positive and really think there is something better waiting for me I have a job interview with a company Monday morning and feel really good about it lets hope it all works out. its been really nice spending time with my daughter more however i feel I'm less productive and I'm made to work and provide for my daughter she is all I have and I need to make sure our life is set.

keep your fingers crossed for us!!

xoxo Jenna

been a while

I wish I had so many exciting things to tell you since the last time I have blogged however there isn't much that is worth talking about ;) I have been putting all my daytime focus on work, making sure everything is done and on time. there are allot of things that I need to accomplish that I haven't quite figured out yet, I feel like there is no one that I can go to and its really effecting me. I'm barley getting by these days financially I have only myself to really make this better for me and my daughter and I'm hoping I can get everything back to how it was 
Putting that aside I'm just being a momma its the best thing in the world Aijla is getting so much personality more and more everyday She is really the only reason I smile :) She is going to be one in a little over a month and its crazy to me how FAST it has gone by shes totally changed she has thinned out a little and its turning into a really beautiful girl.. we went and bought her new earrings this weekend there clear rhinestones in the shape of a heart they look so freaking cute on her and make her just look so much more girly I <3 them.
Tax time came which has been a life saver knowing I can get rid of some debt that I have been holding on for awhile and has really hurt me paying it off alone... so there is a little bit of relief financially for me!! YAY!!!
Haven't really been dating all to much the past month I kind of took myself back from the positions I was in due to not being happy with myself and there is no need dragging someone else into how I feel. it defiantly changed how I look at my life and the best thing I have figured out recently was that I need to start living my life for myself!! I don't really know how to put it into words but there is a part of me that didn't really do the things I wanted cause of the fear Aijla's father would judge me and some how would make me feel horrible about my life... its a terrible thing to think but its how I have been living until about the last few weeks I have decided to slowly let all communication go away unless it was only about our daughter.
Life is going to get better for me I really am going to not give up even though sometimes I feel like its the easiest thing in the world to do I'm not a quitter and wont allow myself to do this.

Hope everyone enjoys there Monday [=

My life be like.....

I cant believe its almost been a month since the last time I have blogged. So much has been happening in my life this past little bit and I feel I need to get a few things off my chest. Aijla is SO big now she is 10 months and its gone by so fast she is tearing up the house more than ever now that she can crawl, getting into the Tupperware throwing it around the kitchen I'm always running behind her cleaning up something. This morning it was cotton balls between her and the dog they make a great team :).

 Ive been finally hanging out with more Friends which has made me allot happier knowing there are others out there that really do care to have me around its a very nice feeling to have.Work has been going good we had another flood like last year a week ago and that was horrible it just makes work crazy and the clean up in unreal i just want summer to come already, but i have been stepping up my game and trying to focus on the more important things in life.I have been getting along with aijlas father for the most part this past month i still never do anything right for him though if I do something or don't do something he still finds a way to get mad at me... I feel like sometimes I wanna just run away from my problems I have been battling them for almost a year. I am more stronger than I was a month ago so that has helped me out ALOT.. I had a friend tell me the other day, You know Jenna its not about moving on... its about accepting the fact its not what you want in your life.Ever since I heard this it has made so much since to me. The sun is sure shinning for me again in the lifetime I have a beautiful daughter, a great job, a house over our head my life is very simple and I love it. I look forward to sharing it with someone in the future, Until then thanks everyone for always making me smile and being there for me... you all know who you are <3

Internal love

Is it really hard to find love within yourself? Why is it that everyone wants all the - external - things in life to make themselves happy? fast cars, designer jeans, the latest and greatest purse, the list can go on and on. Seems like everyone feels these are the "things" in life that complete them. I am first to admit that about 4 years ago I thought this.. I got myself in allot of debt just trying to keep up with everyone thinking I was SO HAPPY inside when I wasn't. Its amazing that once you stop thinking the grass is greener on the other side how much you realize the "internal love" you have for yourself. All those materialistic things don't make anyone happy, maybe for the moment they do but they either catch up to you later in life when your struggling financially... all  for your ass to look good in a pair of designer jeans.I really think people need to be happy with what the have presently in life, family, children, good friends, maybe even the pair of jeans you have had since last winter. You don't have to think of always doing the next best thing to make yourself happy.. trust me if you just live for the moment and stop trying to impress everyone and just be Happy with yourself and what you have. Everything else will fall into place when its right. Most of those people who drive huge lifted trucks carrying 2 four wheelers on the back are struggling to pay there house payment and are prob living a very strapped for cash life all for everyone to think there happy. I have come to terms with my internal love and how happy I am for what I presently have, there are times when I want this and that but then I sit back and am so thankful for what I presently have in life and wouldn't change a thing. I have a home over my head for me and my daughter, a car to drive , a great job to make all this happen and I am completely happy with everything (:

- Jenna

How to be your own Best friend

Many people spend years waiting for a soul mate to make them feel complete. Others settle for unfulfilling relationships out of fear of being alone. I believe we should fulfill our potential in life, with or without partners. Instead of expecting someone else to complete you, mastering the art of aloneness gives you mastery of your own life.

I couldn't agree more with this and its what i am going to do in my life.
"I'm going to manage my fear, so its doesn't manage me" I'm going to be alone I'm going to write down everything that I want in life and go for it. One step at a time. I will be OK

I'm going to start to LOVE myself more

• I'm starting to go to the gym again and this is a HUGE step for me I use to go ALL the time till I had Aijla it really made me feel so much better about myself, and its time I go again Aijla is going to come with me too then when she gets older it will just be something Mommy and Me do after work.
• I'm getting all my finances in order its feels so nice to get rid of "debt" and know that your not strapped, for a minute there I felt like I was drowning..slowly everything had just caught up to me.
• I'm starting to focus more on my Career I have an amazing job and for a little bit I let my emotions get the best of me I would hate to lose my job. I have directed my focus more onto what I can do to better my job and I think I'm heading in the right direction..I'm very happy about this too :)
• One of the major and TOP priorities is being the best mom I can be to my daughter, shes getting so big and learning so much in her young life and I just want to make sure I'm there for her, guiding her and teaching her all I can.

This is just to name a few but its a start

These are the things that make me happy and I'm happy to say I'm doing everything being alone its a very different feeling but I'm getting use to it. I do everything alone at night and it feels nice I don't need to count on anyone but myself to make myself happy and aijla.

Granted I still am very lonely.... But I'm doing this for myself.

I am my own best friend

Happy and Free

The Reason I Still Smile

I might be going through one of the hardest things in life right now..

 but at the end of the day I have the most percious baby girl to go home to.

Seriously I dont know what my life even consisted of before she was here. She brings so much Joy and laughter into my days. She makes me realize that "the sun is going to shine again" :)

 I do know I am very blessed to have what I have in my life.

I love being a Mom

I work very hard to give my little girl the best life

She is getting so BIG she will be turning 1 in less than 3 months!!

I look forward to many more years ahead of us little girl I cant wait.

I cant wait for this year with all the fun things me and aijla have planned.

We are going to Hawaii this summer I cant even wait

see her little feet walking in the sand I love that I get to

experience everything with her <3

I am blessed to have her

I hope I am the best mom for her like my mom has been to me!

  The joy of being a mom and the impact it has in your life

there is nothing that even compares.

Aijla I hope you know how much your momma loves you

I would do anything for you and I will always be by your side

Moms not going anywhere angle :)

Thanks for always making my days better.

Favorite moments:... she wakes up and I look in her crib

and she just SMILES from ear to ear

Happiest baby ever!!!

She loves waking up to her momma every morning

<3 <3 <3



Feeling Lonley

Well 2011 its only Jan 8th and you have already made me stressed, uncertain about thinsgs in my life and feeling very lonley in this healing process.I know no one said it was going to be easy or happen over night but god I really need your help? I need you to look after me and my daughter and make sure everything is going to be okay for us. I feel so weak. I put a smile on my face more to show people im not hurting on the outside but its really not true....It was really hard for me today to go to Lacheles baby shower and see everyone today the beltrans are really the best family I have ever met and I couldnt be more happy that my daughter will be with them for life. I get so sad having to leave them or not knowing when the next time i may see them, but at the same time it only makes me sad. I need to start thinking about myself and my emotions that come along with seeing them, I do hope that everyone of them knows how truly blessed i am to have met each and everyone of them and I will love them all forever I feel like I need to go my way it just hurts me to bad weston and I are over. When i am stronger i promise you all i will see you :)  i have chosen to be alone recently and I think it will only make my next relationship better i cant move on while im still not over Weston its not fair to anyone I date and I would hate to hurt anyone more than i already have to not be ready. I will be ready and I hope sooner than later but only time will tell. I found out today my step brother and his fiance are expecting another baby in Sept and I couldnt be more happy for them. I get super excited about all my friends and there familys. I do get sad as well im not going to lie i wonder how did it not work out for me? what did i do wrong? i tried soooo hard to make my family work and i got left im the one who is alone now:(
It hurts and today is just one of the days i guess...

Jenna