Saturday, March 26, 2011

I can no longer let myself feel like this

There has been A LOT that has gone on in my life this past year that many of you don't know. My daughter is almost one in a couple weeks and its been the greatest. I am truly blessed that I have her in my life. Her dad left shortly after he she was born and realized that being with me wasn't what he wanted. Its been unbelievable hard on me I feel like i haven't made much progress since then and its almost been a year.I have tried to date get my mind of things and I'm just not fully were i need to be in order to give someone my all. I'm truly sorry to those out there i really am. I think being a girl we tend to get over things different some faster than others and I'm just on the slow end. I truly loved Aijlas dad we could of had a great life together and such amazing family.... well actually I still do love him is the thing.I love him just the same even if we never had a daughter..:( I have been through so much that i wish i didn't but at the end i feel like i will come out stronger  than before. My situation has been different then most people know cause i had many reasons to think and feel like there still could be a little "hope". 
i guess all this time i was putting all my effort on this and him. i need to redirect my self and focus on me and my daughter I cant help someone not help there self. He chose to leave and i cant go everyday hoping he will realize that this family that he though he wanted is were he should be. He tells me all the time he doesn't want me out of his life, we text daily call each other daily but yet he doesn't want to be with me either, Someone told me exactly what it was and that its not that he actually misses being with me or he would be, he misses the fact of me being around not me actually...hopefully that makes since to you... I think there is more to it that i wont ever understand or know but I wish he would stop hurting me figure out what he wants and  actually go for it.
He is a great dad now and i am seriously so thankful that aijla will have him in her life she really loves being with him and i need to not let my emotions get in the way. I let him hurt me daily and he doesn't care how i feel you would think that i would want better for myself and i don't have a real response to that.. i just need time away and for me and my daughter its ok that this love didn't work out its ok to be broken it happens to everyone it gets us to were we all are today.
Someone will come into my life and never do anything to hurt me.... its going to take myself to let go and it started today...

You really don't realize what you had till its gone and its too late....

The BIG 25

WOW! I'm 25... not sure if i feel happy about this or sad that I'm getting so old and not were I want to be in life. Its OK ill take happy for now i have a beautiful daughter to have and to hold forever, great friends and amazing family :)  I had a really great day actually everyone was so kind and wished me happy birthday it feels nice to have a day about you especially now that I'm a mom i like it even better. We went to benihanas for dinner me and chels it was so much fun met a really nice couple from Tennessee and they bought our whole mean it was amazing and I will never forget about them and this day.
 after that we went to Keys on Main and it was a blast.. ha ha from what I can remember it was crazy night and i was toast by about 10:30! We got great pictures and I have to say I have the best friends ever Thanks to Chelsea for making sure my hot mess got home safe.

                                                                 Love you all


well I have been really hard on myself the past few weeks not having a job.. i know right I'm surprised as much as you all. my last post was about me trying so hard at my job... and now this!! i loved my job i tried so hard the past couple months making sure my i's were dotted and my t's were crossed but it wasn't good enough for some people. i loved artspace a lot really thought after 2.5 years i was gonna be there for a long time. its over and I'm trying to make this positive and really think there is something better waiting for me I have a job interview with a company Monday morning and feel really good about it lets hope it all works out. its been really nice spending time with my daughter more however i feel I'm less productive and I'm made to work and provide for my daughter she is all I have and I need to make sure our life is set.

keep your fingers crossed for us!!

xoxo Jenna