Saturday, March 26, 2011

I can no longer let myself feel like this

There has been A LOT that has gone on in my life this past year that many of you don't know. My daughter is almost one in a couple weeks and its been the greatest. I am truly blessed that I have her in my life. Her dad left shortly after he she was born and realized that being with me wasn't what he wanted. Its been unbelievable hard on me I feel like i haven't made much progress since then and its almost been a year.I have tried to date get my mind of things and I'm just not fully were i need to be in order to give someone my all. I'm truly sorry to those out there i really am. I think being a girl we tend to get over things different some faster than others and I'm just on the slow end. I truly loved Aijlas dad we could of had a great life together and such amazing family.... well actually I still do love him is the thing.I love him just the same even if we never had a daughter..:( I have been through so much that i wish i didn't but at the end i feel like i will come out stronger  than before. My situation has been different then most people know cause i had many reasons to think and feel like there still could be a little "hope". 
i guess all this time i was putting all my effort on this and him. i need to redirect my self and focus on me and my daughter I cant help someone not help there self. He chose to leave and i cant go everyday hoping he will realize that this family that he though he wanted is were he should be. He tells me all the time he doesn't want me out of his life, we text daily call each other daily but yet he doesn't want to be with me either, Someone told me exactly what it was and that its not that he actually misses being with me or he would be, he misses the fact of me being around not me actually...hopefully that makes since to you... I think there is more to it that i wont ever understand or know but I wish he would stop hurting me figure out what he wants and  actually go for it.
He is a great dad now and i am seriously so thankful that aijla will have him in her life she really loves being with him and i need to not let my emotions get in the way. I let him hurt me daily and he doesn't care how i feel you would think that i would want better for myself and i don't have a real response to that.. i just need time away and for me and my daughter its ok that this love didn't work out its ok to be broken it happens to everyone it gets us to were we all are today.
Someone will come into my life and never do anything to hurt me.... its going to take myself to let go and it started today...

You really don't realize what you had till its gone and its too late....

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